A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.Seeing God, she asked,' Is my time up?' God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.' Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement, boob job, liposuction, and a tummy tuck.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by a car.Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the car?' God replied, 'Giiirrrlllllll, I didn't even recognize you.'
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Friday, July 11, 2008
Smile,laugh for the day
Thoughts from across the pond
An email from Ireland to the brethren in the States.
A point to ponder despite your political affiliation:
We, in Ireland, can't figure out why people are even bothering to hold a Presidential election in the United States.
On one side, you have a pants-wearing lawyer, married to a lawyer who can't keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer who goes to the wrong church, who is married to yet another lawyer, who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run.
Now...On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate "Mc" terminology, and he’s married to a good looking younger woman, who owns a beer distributorship!
What, in heaven's name, are you lads thinking over there in the colonies??
An email from Ireland to the brethren in the States.
A point to ponder despite your political affiliation:
We, in Ireland, can't figure out why people are even bothering to hold a Presidential election in the United States.
On one side, you have a pants-wearing lawyer, married to a lawyer who can't keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer who goes to the wrong church, who is married to yet another lawyer, who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run.
Now...On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate "Mc" terminology, and he’s married to a good looking younger woman, who owns a beer distributorship!
What, in heaven's name, are you lads thinking over there in the colonies??
Friday, December 07, 2007
Funny and Cute (thanks Tami)
My dear friends,
Somewhat embarrassing to admit, I'm not getting an annual bonus and Christmas is tight this year. I will be making bedroom slippers for you all as gifts. Please let me know your sizes. You'll most likely agree that it's a splendid idea, and should you wish to do the same, I've included the instructions below:
How to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads:
You need four maxi pads to make a pair.
Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part.
The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top.
Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part.
Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers (this is most aesthetically ap pealing), etc.
These slippers are:
* Soft and Hygienic
* Non-slip grip strips on the soles
* Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh
* No more bending over to mop up spills
* Disposable and biodegradable
* Environmentally safe
* Three convenient sizes: Regular, Light and Get out the Sand Bags.
I've attached a photo of the first pair I made so that you can see the nifty slippers for yourself....
Awaiting your response. It's crucial that I get the right size for each one of you.
Somewhat embarrassing to admit, I'm not getting an annual bonus and Christmas is tight this year. I will be making bedroom slippers for you all as gifts. Please let me know your sizes. You'll most likely agree that it's a splendid idea, and should you wish to do the same, I've included the instructions below:
How to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads:
You need four maxi pads to make a pair.
Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part.
The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top.
Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part.
Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers (this is most aesthetically ap pealing), etc.
These slippers are:
* Soft and Hygienic
* Non-slip grip strips on the soles
* Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh
* No more bending over to mop up spills
* Disposable and biodegradable
* Environmentally safe
* Three convenient sizes: Regular, Light and Get out the Sand Bags.
I've attached a photo of the first pair I made so that you can see the nifty slippers for yourself....
Awaiting your response. It's crucial that I get the right size for each one of you.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
The Zipper..laugh of the day!
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a
tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her
turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her
leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her
enough slack to raise her leg.She tried to take the step, only to discover
that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time
attempted the step. Once again, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a
little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up
easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How
dare you touch my body! I don't even know you!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,
but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her
turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her
leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her
enough slack to raise her leg.She tried to take the step, only to discover
that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time
attempted the step. Once again, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a
little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up
easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How
dare you touch my body! I don't even know you!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,
but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
Sunday, September 09, 2007
If My Body Were A CAr
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... but that's not the worst of it.My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... but that's not the worst of it.My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
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